Hello, and welcome to Ask Ted Wilson, my weekly advice column where readers ask me questions about absolutely anything, and I tell them what to do. If you have a question you would like answered please write to me at iamtedwilson@gmail.com or leave me a voicemail at (617) 379-2576. I hope to hear from you soon!
Dear Ted Wilson,
Two months ago, I received an email for an invite for a bachelorette party for a friend. This was the first that I had heard of my friend's engagement and I was thrilled for her. Because I didn't receive an invite, I assumed that she was having a small family wedding or eloping. So, I agreed to attend the bachelorette party. To my surprise (and horror), other girls in attendance started talking about the seating charts and other wedding planning activities. It became clear that I was not invited to the wedding.
A few weeks later I saw the relationship status change on Facebook and photos of the moderate-sized wedding pop up in my feed. Our mutual friends attended, so it wasn't just family. I understand that weddings can be expensive and only a select group of people can attend. Also, that people and things are forgotten. Yet, I am still deeply hurt. Was I considered a second-tier friend? My friends think that it would be a breach of wedding etiquette if I say anything. We have barely spoken since the bachelorette party, because I cannot to talk her with the elephant in the room. How do I deal?
- Uninvited in the Mission
Dear Uninvited,
Before we start pointing fingers at your friend, we should try pointing fingers at your postal carrier. Take a look behind the bushes next to you mailbox. The wedding invitation may have been carelessly delivered. Also, have you looked closely at the wedding photos to see if your postal carrier can be spotted in the background? He or she may have decided to attend the wedding in your place. I have found that in roughly 60% of miscommunications, my postal carrier is to blame.
It may also be that the photos you saw were fake. There are so many fake photos on the internet. Have you seen that one of the guy holding the giant rabbit? It’s fake. Just like those risque photos of Alan Alda. He never posed for those. Even videos can be faked these days. I try not to trust anything I read or see on the internet unless it seems pretty real.
Assuming what you described is accurate, then it sounds like the real breach of etiquette came from your friend who should have either invited you to her wedding or not invited you to the bachelorette party. You can’t know why the decision was made, and speculation will only lead to anxiety. The best thing to do is ask your friend directly. Come at it from a place of compassion and understanding rather than accusation. This will mitigate the inevitable awkwardness.
If you can, start crying. Crying is a good way to show that you’ve been hurt. I do it in almost any circumstance I can when I want someone to be sympathetic to my point of view. I will warn you that employing this tactic for so many years has damaged my tear ducts and now I secrete a tear/blood combination, which is more distracting than anything else. If you do this, do it sparingly, because tear-duct transplants is not a thing offered by any of the doctors I’ve called.
Your friend is unlikely to openly state you are a second-tier friend, so you will have to trick her into admitting it if you want closure. Fake kidnappings are becoming more and more common. Try one of those. Phone her in distress, asking for ransom. If she comes through, she’s a true friend. If she shirks her responsibility onto the authorities because she doesn’t want to deal with it herself, it may be time to reassess your relationship.
However this all turns out for you, what she did was hurtful and confusing. I’m sorry she wasn’t more considerate of your feelings. She may be a sociopath.
Your Friend,
Ted