By Jessica Saia
People with plugs: let's talk. You spend years tenaciously stretching holes through your earlobes, fill them only with the typical little metal discs and then when you're done, you're just done? Really?
My roommate hasn't worn his plugs in six years, and spends these days aloofly flaunting his shriveling ear holes all over the house, each moment passing dozens of small items he could hilariously put in his earlobes, but no, his ears stay unsatisfyingly item-free. Every time I see him eating a baby carrot it's just like, hello, opportunity is KNOCKING. Answer the door, pick up the petite carrot and shove it through your earlobe!
I don't have plugs myself, or else I would be leading the movement in unexpected ear accoutrements. Instead, I've accessorized vicariously via three plug-havers. I think you'll quickly realize how fun, fashionable, and functional one's stretched out lobes become once you open your eyes and ears to the world of putting random things in your plug holes.
(My advance, wincing apologies for the hanger one. It was difficult to upload that photo with my eyes closed.)
Showers can be a thing of the past, once you start tying a car air freshener to your head. This is a great example of an item that is both fashionable and functional.
For those special occasions when you want to look especially dressy, turn your face into a vase!
Happy Birthday to everyone with this look. And if you can pull it off without catching your hair on fire, you will truly have something to celebrate.
Impressed much? You should be. This original, never-before-seen masterpiece was painted completely through this man's earlobe. Incredible.
James Dean's ear wishes it looked this bad-ass.
Put the "plug" in plugging in your phone. Guaranteed laugh. Seriously. Try it.
Fact: Your earlobes are a great place to carry some emergency cash when traveling.
This look works especially well if you can dress to match the small man-doll scaling your neck. Because come on, that's adorable.
Never lose another pair of sunglasses again! Truly, this look pays for itself.
Take dangly earrings to a whole new level, or go hands-free on your way home from the dry cleaner.
Sensitive teeth? Let the supple flesh of your earlobe warm each sip to the perfect temperature on its way into your mouth.
Thanks to Meg Downie, Clinton Johnson, and Mason Lindahl for donating their earlobes to this investigative cause.