Bars are great places to frequent to engage in some really fun behavior. There are darts, alcohol, music, and ample opportunities to judge a fellow patron. We’ve all side-eyed someone asking for a “Sex on the Beach” or ordering it under their breath, insisting it was for a friend. (My friend also loves Appletinis and Bud Lite Strawberitas.) Your drink of choice says something about you, whether it’s your personality (“Ooh, they said a name instead of ‘Yeah, whatever red wine you have’”) or your financial status (“I don’t always drink $3 Dos Equis, but when I do, it’s because I just paid rent!”). In honor of glorious SF Beer Week, here’s what your brew of choice is saying about you. Also p.s. because I know that there are beer lovers of all genders ( myself included) I'm using "guy" in this article in sort of a "I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, we're all dudes hey!" kind of way. Cheers!
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IPA: Heyyy, this person is cool! Take your weeny beers somewhere else; my friend here wants a mouth explosion, STAT! They either genuinely like the taste or are trying really hard to seem sophisticated. They’re a complex person who’s up-to-date on what is cool and what is not, and sometimes they can take something from the “not” pile and make it cool. They’re kind of a geek like that. Sometimes they get a bit pretentious, but overall they’re just deeply passionate about a lot of things. So what do you say? Want to sleep with them?
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Pilsner: Sup, bro? This person is all about comfort. They want to be able to drink a beer and then get on with their day or maybe drink several beers with the ease of Andre the Giant and get on with their Beer Pong game. No judgment either way. This guy doesn’t need fancy-pants hops or flavors, because they’re straight up and classic. They like hanging out with their friends and using the word “brewskies” unironically. Drink up, bud. The game is about to start, and you’re my celebrity shot!
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Lager: Hey, y’all, this guy’s getting a lager and is just so pleased to meet you. The lager drinker wants you to come sit by them for a spell and marvel together at this book of black-and-white photographs depicting the rolling prairies of this great nation. They’re not complicated and sometimes think this crazy world just needs to slow down every once in a while and appreciate the hard work of honest-to-goodness craftsmanship. That stool you’re sitting on? They made it with their bare hands one Sunday after church, but they’d never boast about it. They love sitting with old friends, talking about the good old days. They cherish life’s simple pleasures, like a home cooked meal or a teary, all-male serenade of “Thunder Road.”
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Stout: Excuse me, can you not look at my friend here? They’re trying to enjoy a beer as dark as their inner turmoil. You see, my good mate, the stout drinker, has no time for your nonsense or frivolity; they’re trying to be serious over here. Like a fine-wine drinker, they like to mull over flavors, pondering them, and they apply this same care and scrutiny to other parts of their life – their murky, tumultuous life. Sure, they have been known to laugh with the lads every now and then, but they know that there is a time and place for that kind of carousing, and mostly they prefer the company of cigarettes and a good book. Their heroes include Charles Bukowski and Severus Snape.
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Sour: The person drinking a sour has seen a lot of things – many bars, many people, many a sunrise on the banks of the river. They’re experienced and cultured, and familiar with lots of different tastes and flavors. It took them a long time to get where they are, but through meticulous and fearless exploration, they found what they like and what they don’t. Their keen sense of taste makes them a good friend to have if you want to refine your own palate. And if you try to tell them that their beer of choice tastes like PAAS Easter egg dye, they will pat you on the head lovingly and say, “Oh, darling you have sooooo much to learn.”
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Wheat Beer: What’s up!? Come sit next to my friend, the wheat-beer lover. They are breezy and lovable and have some great stories about their study-abroad trip to Thailand (“It’s seriously so beautiful, I never wanted to come home!”). They are more at home in a hammock than behind a desk, and their laid-back vibe is pervasive. The weather can be gray, but they’re still dreaming of summer. Hanging out with them will make you feel like July is just around the corner. Who cares that they insist on wearing flip-flops in the rain? It’s charming, right? OK, it is a little bit weird, but as they would say, “Go with the flow, man.” Also, they’ll never, ever get scurvy, which is a good quality in a long-term friend.