You know how your girlfriend said she didn’t need anything for Valentine’s Day? She’s probably right — after all, she already has a great job, cool friends, and a boyfriend with a rocking bod such as yourself. But we all know there’s a difference between need and want. For example, you need to get regular sleep and eat fruits and veggies. You want to do four shots of whiskey at 2 a.m. and then eat a bacon-wrapped Doritos Taco. You see, my friend, a bouquet of flowers is your girlfriend’s Doritos taco.
And you’re a classy, thoughtful dude. Why else would your lady let you see her naked on the reg? You drink Blue Bottle Coffee and artisanally distilled scotch, and your razors are delivered to you like a goddamn prince. Sure, you could order flowers from an 800 number, but you shouldn’t; they’re weirdly expensive and almost always cheesy looking. When your lady sees six lame flowers hanging out in some kind of shitty heart vase with a teddy bear holding on for dear life, she’s not going to think romance; she’s going to think boring. Save the generic flowers for you mom, because you don’t want to bang your mom.
BloomThat is not your mama’s flower service. They don’t have any gross heart vases or lame-ass bears — just fresh local flowers wrapped tastefully in burlap. Flowers wrapped in burlap say “Oh, hey, girl, I was just wandering through the countryside, and I found these, and they reminded me of you. Want to go to the cakewalk later?” She’ll love that. Just download their free app, and you can send beautiful flowers to anyone in the Bay Area. Or should we say Bae Area? No? That’s not cool anymore? Noted.
Their best bouquet option this V-Day is The Huntley, which features several varieties of roses. I know you’re like, “Ugh, roses. Everyone does roses.” You know why everyone does roses? Because they’re the freaking Cadillac of flowers. What do you want to give her? Carnations? Honey, carnations are for dead people; don’t give her carnations. This is the kind of thing you can have delivered to her office to really piss off her nosy cubicle mate. (That’s right, Deborah, be jealous!)
And ladies, I know you’re reading this too. If you want to stick it to the patriarchy and celebrate Galentine’s day instead, you can send The Romy to your best friend. The Romy features a bright bunch of tulips and fancy chocolate and body products. You can have it delivered to her while you order the Businesswoman’s Special at your local restaurant.
Do the math:
A) She doesn’t need flowers; she wants them.
B) You have a reputation for giving her what she wants.
C) Tacky, lame flowers that will definitely NOT get you laid.
D) BloomThat!
A + B – C = D!
Use our special $10-off code, BOLDITALIC, to follow this equation. Unless, you know, you really like sleeping on the couch.