Selections From Burt Reynolds' Sad As Hell Auction

Oh man, if only Burt Reynolds could lead a ragtag group of drunks or kids or drunk kids to win back all his dope stuff … alas, the world’s premiere Bear Rug Nudist and Mustache-Haver seems to be flat broke and out of time. I honestly have no idea why Burt Reynolds is suddenly penniless, but I refuse to look it up, because it’s just too damn sad. We’ll assume some fat southern cop with a big dumb hat finally caught him, because I don’t wanna live in a world where Burt Reynolds lost his fortune for Normal People reasons. The one silver lining to all this is that we, the greedy, insatiable public, get a glimpse into some of the weird shit that our man Burt has accumulated over his decades in showbiz — and even take some of it home, thanks to this auction, which goes live Dec. 11 & 12 at the Palms in Las Vegas. Here, for you, are the craziest things you can buy from America’s Top-Lip Champion Burt Reynolds.

SAD OLD FANCLUB ‘ZINES – THE REYNOLDS REPORTER – CURRENT BID $100 

Adrift in an endless sea of bummers, these ancient teen ‘zines might just be the saddest. They harken back to not only an era before Teen Beat but also before the death of print media itself. Also, the font is gold comic sans, yikes.

THE 1977 PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARD FOR BEST ACTOR (SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT) – $1,250 

No. No People’s Choice Award is worth more than seventy-five dollars, not even if it belonged to Burt Reynolds. The only way I could justify paying over a grand for this thing if it’s been inside Burt Reynolds or he used it to kill a man.

A BRONZE BUST OF BURT REYNOLD’S HEAD – $350 

Ok, to be honest, if there was a guy with a gun to my head and he was all like, “Name one person you are certain has a bronze sculpture of their face and head,” Burt Reynolds would be number one on my list. It’s not a surprise that he has this, it’s a surprise that from far away it definitely looks more like Tom Selleck.

A FUCKING PERSONALIZED CARRIAGE FROM DOLLY PARTON — $3,500 

Look, guys, coming into this thing I was already a huge Dolly fan. I honestly did not think I could like her more. I WAS WRONG. Queen of the Mountains herself straight-up gives out bomb-ass Disneyland carriages to her friends. That is so cool. She is so cool. Goddammit, I hope she never has to sell Dollywood.

AN ENTIRE BEAR — $2,500 

It’s a bear. It’s not the bear he spread-eagled on, but if you buy this bear from Burt Reynolds, you have my full permission to tell people that Burt draped his downstairs-mustache all over it.

So, there’s a bunch more insane stuff in this auction, including fake guns, real guns, a sad fake Oscar, real Golden Globes, paintings of dogs playing golf, Bibles with Burt Reynolds’ signature embossed in gold on their covers (yes, there are multiple), and John Ford’s Writing Desk. However, the best stuff, the most interesting and fun thing to come out of all of this, is the memorabilia, and sometimes even full correspondences, between Burt Reynolds and other stars.

Let’s start with the young guns and nobodies who thank him for being in their presence. I wonder if someone got the ENTIRE CAST OF FRIENDS to sit down and sign their autographs or if they were too big for B-man and some PA wrote “To Burt Reynolds” on a photo that was passed between their dressing rooms? 

A particularly strange lot contains autographs from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, pro-wrestler Rob Van Dam, and The fucking Predator.

JACKIE CHAN is a welcome surprise in any situation.

DITKA! Arguably the two most important mustaches of the past couple decades, together at LAST!

GENE HACKMAN shit-talking whatever bad movie they starred in together. “I generally only use one finger down my throat, but this picture needs 4. Love, Gene Hackman.”

JACK LEMMON being hilarious. Man, Jack Lemmon was cool. Here he lovingly gives Burt Reynolds shit in a typed letter about a generous donation to his charity hospital:

“I, as much as anyone, understand the ups and downs of this crazy business. Some years are good, some years are bad, and even though you are obviously on the shit list, I certainly appreciate the fact that you made some kind of effort no matter how meager.”

How did you know this was gonna happen, Jack???

FAMOUS BROADS TOTALLY HINTING AT WANTING TO GET DOWN WITH OUR MAN BURT 

Call me crazy, but IS LIZ TAYLOR IMPLYING THAT BURT REYNOLDS CALLS HIS PENIS “THE CACTUS”???? That’s what I’m getting out of this. Also, Carol Channing says what up and Whoopi Goldberg tells Burt that she wants to give him a kiss bigger than “all her lips together” (*SHUDDERS*)

So there you go. There’s a ton more stuff for sale, too. The Trans Am from Smokey and the Bandit, a completely random 1997 Ford Pickup Truck with Burt’s face on it, a satin personalized WWF Wrestling jacket, and a weird VW stagecoach he married Loni Anderson in, to name a few. Good luck, and may we all one day be so cool and rich that we can give our friends Disneyland carriages and entire bears.

Images from Julien's Live

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