The Mission’s resident psychic/astrologer/badass Jessica Lanyadoo gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with everything from figuring out their love lives to communicating with their pets. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
A few months ago my ex and I started dating again. We have been going really slowly and a lot has changed since we broke up a few years ago (we are communicating better, he's doing his work, I'm being more honest about my feelings). And at the same time, a few fundamental things haven't changed –namely he still doesn't want to have more kids. There's so much love between us that part of me thinks maybe I can have kids with someone else and we can rock some sort of poly and/or multiple parent thing down the road.
What do you think Jessica? Is it crazy to be with someone who has different life goals around family when your heart is so in it? We live in the Bay and we are both pretty queer so maybe it could work? What is the line between knowing what you want out of a relationship and not future tripping and staying present? –CP
Congratulations on finding love! It’s the greatest feeling around and you totally deserve it. It’s wicked romantic that you broke up and then found each other again, years later. For all that and more I wish this were an easier issue. I firmly believe that having children isn’t something one can or should compromise for another person, though. It’s too big a deal. It’s also time sensitive, especially if you’re a lady person who wants to give birth with her life-giving parts. I’m sorry to say you may be in some serious trouble here, CP.
If you’re hungry for a salad, why would you go to a greasy spoon, order a burger, and pick off the meat and buns to get to the veggies? Regardless of how open you are, it doesn’t make sense for you to not be able to get your core needs met from your life partner. Loving someone enough to consider having kids with them is a huge deal, and should be not only romantic, but also viable. It’s not honoring your present or your future to pretend he can give you what you want, or that you don’t want it.
If you’re hungry for a salad, why would you go to a greasy spoon, order a burger, and pick off the meat and buns to get to the veggies?
Being polyamorous and/or queer is apples to the oranges of parenting. If you have a kid, your beloved will be thrust into a parental role whether he wants it or not, and what will that do to your relationship? When you have a child, you deserve to fall madly in love with it, and to have your partner feel the same. Your life will need to revolve around that pooping, crying, and needy baby, so where does that leave your relationship? On the outside of what should be the biggest and greatest part of your world, it seems.
Loving someone should improve your life and broaden your path, not disperse your energy away from it. If you wanted to be in some sort of multiple parent thing before you fell for him it’d be different, but here’s what I think: there’s no wisdom in entering into a union that you know will not meet your needs. Love may be the absolute greatest feeling in the world, but it isn’t enough, CP. Compromise is king, but you should never have to ignore your needs to be with someone you love.
xo,
Jessica