By Jessica Saia
SkyMall: mall of the skies. I know it’s not anyone’s first choice for shopping once they’re released from the captive boredom of an airplane seat, but really, where else can I find a one-stop shop for goose repellant and clip-on bangs? On my last unfortunately movie-free flight, desperate for reading material, I flipped through the provided SkyMall magazine and discovered that there are a lot of products in there that are ideal for life in San Francisco. To save you the trouble of wading through dozens of dog stairs and cherub statues, I’ve compiled them here.
Whether you are in the midst of bed-bug-infestation hell or just extremely paranoid, this Bed Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon is perfect for use at home, on dates, at the movies... god, take it everywhere! Thwart your way all over town, and sleep easy knowing that you’re completely protected, except for your face. You know, the one place you’re totally fine with bugs chewing the hell out of, unthwarted.
For commuters, this Voice Clarifying Amplifier is ideal for those moments when the Muni conductor comes on the loudspeaker to shout-mumble the details of your delay. Not only does it clarify and amplify, but it also dampens the background noise of all the Chatty Cathys who apparently have nowhere to be.
This artificial greenery “conceals a wall or fence beautifully.” SkyMall, you had me at “conceals.” Take this strikingly realistic beauty inside and pop it up over your lease violations mere seconds after your landlord calls to say they’re on their way for whatever impromptu reason. Use it vertically or horizontally over painted walls, pets, undeclared roommates, or grow rooms, and suddenly everything is all “NOTHING TO SEE HERE!”
Take a look at this pic and tell me if anything sounds better than spreading your toes out after a long day of scaling SF’s steep-ass hills. What’s that? You can’t think of one single thing? I didn’t think so.
BART and Caltrain frequenters, become the unconscious envy* of the entire train when you catch some extra Zs on the way to and from work. There’s no guarantee that other passengers won’t take photos to ridicule you on Instagram, but what the hell do you care? You’re asleep and dreaming of what life would be like if you had a car.
*Hawaiian shirt inexplicably not included.
I don’t know. I just feel like this would be a really popular park blanket to have at Dolores. Plus, maybe then dogs would actually give a damn about coming over to let me pet them.
Laundromat too far/sketchy/expensive for your lifestyle? Life: solved. Buy one of these shirts and 365 collars,* then get Botox all over your body so that you sweat only out of your neck.
*Sold separately.
Are you a lesbian? Are you a lesbian interested in an open or polyamorous relationship with other lesbians who wear sleeveless maxi dresses, but not sure how to subtly indicate what you’re looking for? Finally, there’s a pin just for this very specific set of circumstances! Thanks, SkyMall.
For anyone who lives on top of Filbert, Kearny, Jones, or any other totally insane hill sans car, this necklace may be just the thing to stop your urge to sit down and sob halfway up the sidewalk.
San Franciscans go crazy for DIY, and this seems like the perfect Sunday afternoon craft! Whether you’re trying to catch your creepy roommate digging through your drawers, or you are the creepy roommate, hunting for a bigger thrill than simple drawer digging, this is the product for you!
Truly, “great for apartments and condos,” but you don’t need to own a dog to enjoy this small plot of land. Stick this on your fire escape, and escape you will when you lie in the fetal position, convincing yourself that you kind of have a yard. And hey, don’t toss that drain hose and optional catch basin just yet... sometimes roommates take prolonged showers at inopportune moments, and I’m just saying, that adorable scented fire hydrant might be your best option one desperate, bladder-filled morning.
For those who do have a dog, fooling establishments with a fake service vest is now a thing of the past! Avoid those skeptical looks by disguising your pet as a human. It’s like, what, you think a DOG applied lipstick this perfectly? I don’t think so.
The perfect gift for freelancers, servers, the unemployed, and anyone else who can be found drinking a beer at the park on a casual Tuesday afternoon.
“Just place them inside your pants.” Man, if only IKEA instructions could be that easy.
If butt-cheek dissatisfaction has kept you away from Pride, Folsom, Bay to Breakers, or any other butt-cheek-flaunting event (and there are somehow so many), consider all your butt-cheek wishes granted. Sure, you’ll have to completely avoid making eyes at people so as not to initiate a sexy encounter ending in horrified faux-butt confusion, but damn, how awesome will your butt look before that happens?
I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to run to Safeway but couldn’t bear to leave my list of wishes behind. Thank god for the Wish Wrap! Finally, something extremely fashionable to protect me from SF winds, featuring a built-in Wish Pocket™ specifically for my list of wishes. Available in 10 stylish colors and with room for dozens of wishes, including “I wish my walls were thicker”; “I wish Tartine delivered”; and “I wish the whole city smelled like the Panhandle.”
Are your deadbeat, boundry-less roommates using your computer while you’re out? Are you sure? Now you can be!
If you love the smell of holiday spice cake but have yet to sign up for renter’s insurance, safely warm your candles instead. It’s not weird, and you definitely won’t seem like a paranoid insane person. Really.
Okay, they’re marketing this as a stress reliever, but come on. This is for hangovers. That blonde woman got totally tanked at brunch, and now all she wants to do is curl up in her Wish Wrap and inhale her nausea away.
Bummed that the only apartment you were able to afford is carpeted? Just order, like, 30 of these, and voilà! Hardwood fake-out!
If you love the romance of lovers’ names written in sand but are too lazy to take the train to Ocean Beach, fool everyone with this totally realistic beach pic! Bonus points to whoever discovers the dirtiest phrase SkyMall will Photoshop onto a stock photo.
San Franciscans are notorious for postponing adulthood as long as possible. If the years are catching up with you sooner than you’d like, rest easy knowing you can order a supplement out of an in-flight, butt-pad-toting catalog that promises to “inhibit and delay the aging process.” Seriously, with a name like Reversitall, it’s gotta be good.