Hi Jessica,
Ok, so I have a situation. I've had a crush on a guy at the gym I work at for a couple months. I finally worked up the courage to speak to him about a month ago and we had good chemistry. After one of these awesome talks he asked me to hang out! I seriously could not have been more excited! Then he left without getting my phone number. I thought it was strange, but then figured we would see each other again and he would get it. I've seen him twice and the "date" was supposed to be last week and he has said nothing to me. He seems to be avoiding me at all costs. I'm not sure what to do, so I've been avoiding him as well and I'm at a loss. I'm not sure if I should just bite the bullet and go talk to him, or just keep ignoring him. I read that intense attraction could lead people into sudden shyness, so I'm hoping it's this scenario as opposed to the other one, where he thinks I'm creepy.
What do I do? Ignore this guy? Or buck up and break the ice with him again?
Help!
I will first answer your question with a question, Help; why do you still want to go out with this guy? I mean, I get it that he makes you feel all sparkly and that you have good chemistry, and that's fun. But all you had was some awesome small talk before he got weird. He asked you out and didn’t get your digits and then proceeded to avoid you for weeks. What exactly is appealing about that? Why are you worried that he thinks you're creepy when he sounds like the creep in the situation? When you don’t know a person and the only thing they reveal to you is confusing and verging on mean, that should be all the info you need. Any person who’s going to pull that kind of weirdness is unlikely to be especially considerate or have great communication skills. I encourage you to not be so hung up on your fantasy version this guy that you miss out on the real deal evidence that he’s giving you as to who he actually is.
When you don’t know a person and the only thing they reveal to you is confusing and verging on mean, that should be all the info you need. Any person who’s going to pull that kind of weirdness is unlikely to be especially considerate or have great communication skills.
When you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s unavoidable that you'll have to decode things from time to time, but this is waaay too much work to do with someone you’ve never even gone out with. It’s not supposed to be this hard! If he’s this mysterious about following through with his own invitation, I can’t imagine how he’d be with something more pressing. Again, I encourage you to figure out what you actually like about this dude and why you care about him at all.
Assuming you have the biggest crush that ever crushed on this gym-goer, and you can't walk away from his sweet, sweet smile, I want to give you the advice to make the move yourself, but I just can’t. I believe in sisters doin’ it for themselves, but I read his bewildering actions as his way of saying he doesn’t want to date you. If your crush is that big there’s no point in trusting me on this — go find out yourself!
I think that continuing to ignore this guy you barely know is a solid move, because he’s clearly not available to connect for reasons we can’t, and shouldn’t, try to speculate on. Or you can break the ice and just say ‘hi.’ Although my instinct is that it would be best if you took his blatant cues and didn't treat him romantically if you do decide to talk to him. If you can be friendly and casual, you may be able to turn this dynamic into something less awkward, but probably not a stunning love connection.
Good luck whatever you decide to do!
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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