Dear Jessica,
Is it completely inappropriate to tell someone who is in a relationship that you have feelings for them?
Thanks,
Crushed Out & Confused Kid
Yes, it’s totally inappropriate, COCK (sorry, but these things can happen if you don’t give me an acronym).
There are exceptions to this rule, but here’s the thing: if you were in a relationship and some fool came up to your sweetheart and told them about their feelings, how would it make you feel? To do this is basically inviting someone to cheat on their date or to leave them altogether, which is kinda crappy. There’s got to be some kind of code of ethics that we all as a society agree upon, like leaving your contact info if you hit a parked car, not screaming at babies no matter how much they cry, and not making a move on someone else’s beloved.
I think this is open for interpretation, however, if you are very close friends with the object of your crush. If there’s a pre-existing intimacy with the person, it’s fair to share your feelings as a way to be honest about your motives with them and your behavior around them. When you have feelings for a pal it’s not always cool to not admit it, because you may be acting hecka weird, or just not being a proper friend. It depends on a lot of factors, but you’re for sure risking the friendship with an admission like that. It may be worth it to you if you like them that much, but be prepared for some potential awkwardness. A close friend deserves to know the truth, that’s kinda what friendship is based on. Another exception to this rule is with an ex. If you find that your feelings are reignited, it’s still kind of a dick move, COCK, but re-crushing on someone is privy to its own conventions. Your history with a person offers some entitlement to bypass the current lover to try to reconnect, but in truth it’s all sticky business, COCK. The old standard of treating others as you wish to be treated applies here and I encourage you to let it guide you.
Let’s say you don’t take my advice and you tell your crush that you dig them, even though they’re not an ex or a close friend. You’ll forever be the person who was wiling to break up their relationship, or to cheat with them. That is likely to create trust issues right out of the gate, which will color your whole union, assuming you get together. The other trouble with being ‘successful’ with this admission is that if you share intimate moments behind their date’s back, how can you ever trust them? I encourage you to find someone else who is single and available, and if you are totally infatuated with this person, to bide your time until they’re free.
Good luck whatever you choose to do!
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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