Strap your ass in, because this episode goes off the rails in the worst possible way. In other words, THIS is the Real World we’ve been waiting for. So Jay comes home to find his contact list torn up on the floor – his girlfriend’s number, his mom’s number – it’s like his only sentimental possession and someone tore it up. Now, I’m going to guess the culprit was Ashley – this show isn’t very subtly edited and every shot feels like horror movie foreshadowing, like when you get that “creeping over the shoulder” shot and you’re like, “BITCH, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET JUMPED, FORREAL.”
This is doubly awful because Jay's mom is going in for surgery for her cancer, and because of the torn up list, Jay couldn’t reach his mom for a few days. Really depressing. CUT TO Jenny’s blurred ass on the dance floor doing the splits because it’s her birthday. I’m really starting to regret waking up at 6 a.m. to write this.
On a lighter note, Jenny and Cory are getting really old, really fast. They’ve broken up and gotten back together how many times in three episodes? I know the Sammi-Ronnie dynamic worked on Jersey Shore, but even there, EVERYBODY HATED IT. Speaking of which, Jenny, if you’re going to dress like the end of a Zumba class for every occasion that isn’t clubbing, hot tubbing, or nut rubbing, don’t call it “rocking the shit look,” and – oh my god, did she just puke after a bus ride? I ride the bus hungover every weekend to go buy weed in the Mission. Handle your shit, honey.
**SUPER SPOILER ALERT COMING UP RIGHT HERE** Jay, oh my God, I'm literally crying. I can't – Jay’s mom died. She passed away during her surgery, holy God damn, the whole house is crying, nobody knows how to deal with it. Shit, even I don’t know how to deal with it. So glad he has Arielle right now, she might be the only other person in the house who just forgot she was on a reality show. Did he just say, “I ruined everybody’s day”? Will I ever stop crying? Who the fuck tore up his mom’s number?
Seriously, this show just took a huge turn. Even Ashley did a “new perspective confessional” looking all waterbug, followed immediately by a clip of her tearing up Jay’s list. Nailed. It. CUT TO Arielle trying to masturbate under the covers, another horrible segue. AND HERE’S TOM (although did she not close the door?), TOM GET OUT #tomblocked.
Finally, Ashley’s back in the spotlight! This is starting to get sad, she’s literally self-medicating a serious personality disorder with alcohol and making it worse. There should be PSAs at the end of the show. I think Arielle just nailed it: “The only person who takes Ashley seriously is Ashley." Like, damn Ash, I've never heard of anybody actually desperate for bottle service. Are you suddenly too good to get drunk off Mad Dog in a Safeway parking lot? Bitch, this is how mah city roll. Now Ashley can’t find her purse because she’s an idiot and threw it somewhere stupid. Is this her life? Does she just mess up and then cry and horny men and desperate girls try to fix her? Sad. Anyway, Ashley bounced halfway through the episode, around Jay’s mom’s death. Apparently even the producer didn't know where she went.
Actually, that’s super convenient because Arielle’s gorgie ex, also named Ashley, came to visit, and all I can really say is DAYUM. (See Arielle and her ex in Ari’s short film, The Anniversary, which is surprisingly fantastic).
So, Jay comes back from his mother’s funeral and Ashley calls in after being gone for three days to ask if the roommates want her to come back. For some reason she talks to Jay, which is like, can this dude take a break? Does he immediately have to talk to Ashley AND tell her they voted her out four to two (one of the two Yeses was from Jay, that’s heartbreaking). I’m definitely sad to see her go. What good are train wrecks if you don’t get to watch?
Last note: I’m really not into everyone on the show smoking e-cigs. Wow, so SF. Such faux-healthy behavior.
AFTER SHOW
Besides Jay finding out about Ashley tearing up the contact list, Ashley taking next to no responsibility, and Arielle putting her in her goddamn place, the best thing about the after show were the faces after Ashley said she didn’t have a drinking problem ... because she doesn’t, like, drink every day. Priceless.
Tune in next week, when the exes move into the Real World house. Trust me, I’m just as nervous as you are.