Culture shock comprises most of LA’s “Welcome to the neighborhood!” gift basket. Nobody drinks regular milk, and soymilk is only the tip of the dairy-alternative iceberg. Despite countless warnings, the traffic still stuns you when it takes you two hours to go to the stupid “Hollywood” sign for the first (and, God willing, last) time. Worst of all, none of your new friends is remotely dependable.
Even people who will eventually become your best friends are going to flake on you multiple times. Stay patient. The longer you live here, the clearer everyone’s reasoning will become. Below are the standard excuses Angelenos use to flake, which range from shameless to almost reasonable.
1. We like to act like the traffic is a big surprise.
“OMG traffic is awful – I can’t make it!”
Seriously? If you recently escaped a decade in a cult with no access to the outside world and then spent 24 hours in Los Angeles, you would know that traffic exists at all hours. This excuse is shameless but quite likely the most common one we’ve all texted.
2. We never want to leave our respective bubbles.
LA is a city full of transplants coming from all corners of the nation and globe. If I live in the Westside, and your get-together is in West Hollywood, I’m going to seriously consider going. And then I’m going to cancel at the last minute. Despite most of us being adventurous out-of-towners who relocated to a new city, we hate being in a new neighborhood.
It’s not just the traffic (see above); it’s also not knowing all the insider secrets. I don’t know the side streets to avoid said traffic; I don’t know the secret permit-free parking spots; and I don’t know why I ever agreed to go in the first place.
Also, because LA is such a flaky city, there is a good chance that I could battle these challenges, resign to paying $10 to valet my car, and then get a text that reads “OMG traffic is awful – I can’t make it!”
3. Literally any social gathering/event in our bubble came up.
We might have gotten this event on the books weeks ago, but if any social opportunity comes up in my neighborhood, I’m staying put. You could be hosting an open bar at a hot, new spot crawling with celebrities, but if my weird stoner neighbor wants to split a bottle of wine, I might have to pass.
4. We want to drink, and Uber is surging.
Uber has helped soften the flakiness factor of LA. Most of our reasons for flaking link back to the pain of driving around this city, and Uber has made it possible to go out and have a few drinks in new neighborhoods. I may have worked a long week, and I’m ready to unwind, but if I open that app and see a dreaded "2x" you’re getting a text. I’m sorry.
5. Nobody works a 9-to-5.
Many of us dream about rising above the LA flake factor and will commit to events right after work with our friends in “the industry.” At best, your friend is succeeding and working long days on an unpredictable schedule. At worst, your friend is hustling to make it happen, waiting tables all weekend and only free during the week. Either way, you find yourself committing to a 6:30 p.m. dinner across town after work on your friend’s day off. You knew this was ambitious, but it’s been months, so you convince yourself that you’re different from other Angelenos and will make this happen.
Guess what? That 6 p.m. weekday traffic that has existed consistently since you moved here? It still exists, and you’re canceling.
6. There are so many morning activities to Instagram.
You could go out tonight, but your best photo will be of you in a dim bar with a whiskey on the rocks that’s half in your glass and half on your shirt.
Alternatively, you could flake on tonight’s plans, get up early, and try your new yoga pose during a hike up Temescal Canyon. You can find hip, lifestyle-blog-worthy antiques at Melrose Trading Post. You can get lattes with Van Gogh–level works of art in the foam at the local cafe of the moment (today’s is Gjusta in Venice). All these activities look great in Valencia.
7. It’s raining.
We react to rain in LA the way the rest of the country reacts to snow. We clear out nonperishable items at grocery stores so that we can stay indoors for weeks on end if necessary. Everyone on the road drives like a panicked, drunk toddler.
If it’s raining, I’m staying put on my sofa. I’m lighting all my candles, drinking tea (or hot spiced wine, depending on the hour), and going absolutely nowhere.
8. Nobody can be beach-ready 12 months a year.
I’m a very body-positive person, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t change my exercise and eating habits to get ready for swimsuit season. If you’re looking for some #fitspiration, my routine involves thinking much harder about going to the gym and cutting out cookies at breakfast almost entirely.
I know the weather is a major reason I moved here, but if there’s an odd 80-degree Saturday in January, I am not going to lie out at the beach. I know it’s pure vanity, but I am not prepared, and you are not getting me to wear a swimsuit in public.
9. Obama is in town.
If Obama is here, just assume that all events and plans are canceled. Your wedding might be set, but if Obama is making a last-minute trip into town on the same day, you should just cancel. Nobody’s going to make it. Not even you. Settle in with some wine and Netflix while you research eloping.
10. We flake it forward.
When you live in such a flaky culture, it’s hard not to fall prey to it yourself. You get flaked on a lot, and you realize that flaking in LA isn’t the same as flaking in other cities. Nobody likes it, but it’s practically expected. If you are slightly tempted not to go somewhere , you won’t. You’ll be skipping out on events guilt-free in no time.