Dear Jessica,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We are both very serious about our relationship and we have been talking about marriage and we recently started living together. Things have been great except for one problem — he cannot handle my PMS.
We have talked about this many times and we've both tried to work on it. I sent him articles about PMS. I took herbal supplements. I gave him warnings a week before when I'm supposed to have my period. I even told him what he should do if I am having PMS. I told him the best way to handle it is just to listen and not argue back. Sometimes I just needed to vent. Most of the time I realized later how ridiculous the arguments were and I would apologize after the fact.
However, every time I have PMS he argues with me and is very judgmental. He told me that he is very afraid of me now because he now has to count down the number of days before my next "explosion." He said he doesn't want to deal with it and asked if it is okay to ignore me when it happens next time. He asked me to teach him what to do.
I didn't know how to respond. I feel hurt because I think what he said showed a complete lack of empathy. I don't know how to interpret what he said. I understand it really sucks to have to deal with an emotional mess every month, but I don't know what I can do to alleviate his pain when I am dealing with crazy hormones. I don't know what to do. —NJ
The good news is that you’re both trying, but this is a major problem that super sucks. Female to female, I totally get where you’re coming from. When hormones are driving you, emotions spike and everything feels so dire. It's awful, and no matter how many times it happens, it feels like the first time and like the most real and pressing thing ever.
It sounds like you’re trying to manage your PMS, and that’s cool, but here's the thing: when you get a cold, you know it's not OK to sneeze on your BF. No matter how much you’re suffering, it's not fair to ask your sweetie to get sick with you. Similarly, it's not reasonable to ask your BF to eat shit every month, no matter how crappy you feel. There's gotta be something in between you expecting him to take your moods and him expecting you not to have them. And because you’re a human person with feelings, his big strategy of ignoring you on a monthly basis will not work — it'll just give you more to feel awful and fight about.
It sounds like you’re trying to manage your PMS, and that’s cool, but here's the thing: when you get a cold, you know it's not OK to sneeze on your BF. No matter how much you’re suffering, it's not fair to ask your sweetie to get sick with you.
It’s not fair to expect him to just intuitively handle your mood swings, NJ, so I’m glad you’re willing to work on it, and here are some ideas to do just that. Follow the rule of Puppy Talk Tone; never speak to your beloved in a tone of voice that you'd think is too mean to talk to a puppy (cats and kids work too — insert whomever you like most). Curb your delivery, and when you can’t do that, know that you probably need some alone time.
When you feel like exploding, take a walk. Seriously, walk away. Make him promise not to follow you or press you to finish saying whatever you were saying. During your hormonal swings, you have to make an effort to only fight about real stuff. For his part, ask him to show you compassion without coddling. He can ask you if it’s PMS time and if it is, ask him to say he doesn’t want to fight but that you are pushing it. If you do push it, he gets to walk away. He needs to stop engaging with you when you’re not able to rein it in, and he needs to not take your PMS personally. While he’s in the business of not taking it personally, tell him to love bomb you. Hugs and playfulness can be the medicine that you need. It sure as hell won’t cure your PMS, but it’s a start for coping with your monthly relationships woes.
Good luck!
XO
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.