Dear Jessica,
My partner and I recently celebrated our 6th year together. But, to be honest, I responded to this occasion with mixed feelings. While he is my best friend and has brought so much joy into my life, the reality is that he has been financially unstable and indecisive about his career and life direction over the past couple of years. All of this (particularly the financial piece) has ultimately had a big impact on how I feel towards him. I feel that supporting him has really held me back. Not to mention his lack of clarity creates tension in creating a vision together. I struggle with resentment and am contemplating asking him to move out, so we can both be more financially self-sufficient and perhaps be more on our own life paths. This is a major decision, I realize, but would appreciate any insight.
With gratitude,
Anonymous
What I can’t tell from your question, Anonymous is when you say you’re thinking of asking him to move out, is that really your passive way of slowly breaking up with him, or do you really want to work on the relationship, just from different apartments? Most people can’t be as deep into a relationship as you are and move their partner out without making them feeling demoted, which is a pretty bitter pill to swallow. And if you want to be more on your life path and be financially independent from him, be honest about it and don’t project those needs on to him. If you’re really thinking about breaking up with him, as I suspect you are, you’ve got to be honest with yourself before you can have any peace or clarity about this situation, my friend.
Break up or work on it, but don’t pretend to commit to the work when you’re really just done. As scary as it is to loose your best friend, don’t tell him you’re holding on to him while you’re really letting him go.
You have a right to be frustrated by your BF’s lack of moxie and self-reliance. You can’t make yourself love someone, and you can’t force yourself to have an emotional or sexual boner for him if you just don’t anymore. People change and feelings change, and it can suck. In most long-term relationships some sort of messiness comes up that’s a hybrid of your crap and the other guy’s, and it sounds like yours has caught up with you here. It’s totally understandable that you want your partner to be financially solvent, but if you’ve been supporting him when you didn’t really want to, that’s on you. The only person you can take responsibility for is yourself, and while I’m assuming you’ve talked to him about this stuff (PLEASE tell me you have!), your actions aren’t consistent with your needs here. Is it possible for you to live with him but be totally financially independent? If you assert some boundaries around what you are comfortable with and stop taking care of him, might it help you get those loving feelings back again? Or is it too late? The most important thing here is for you to stop doing things you resent, STAT.
Things get to a certain point in an LTR where the way your partner is living starts to feel personal, even when it’s not. As shitty as your boyfriend’s instability and uncertainty is for you, I wonder how much it sucks for him too. Or maybe he is OK with how he’s living, I don’t know. What I do know is that if you can’t accept his life choices and the circumstances they create, it’s on you to communicate in an honest and compassionate way about it. And not just with your words, Anonymous; with your actions too. If you want to work towards a seventh year with this guy then only give him what you can give freely. If that hurts his feelings, well, maybe they need to get hurt. But it is certainly time to shit or get off the pot about your intentions towards him. Break up or work on it, but don’t pretend to commit to the work when you’re really just done. As scary as it is to loose your best friend, don’t tell him you’re holding on to him while you’re really letting him go. Good luck!
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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