If you're in the market for a couch, but are squeamish about owning something brand new that you don't have three hundred questions about, look no further than this SF Craigslist ad.
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Like me, you might have reservations. I get that. At a glance, this couch looks a little too new and pristine to be truly comfortable. And for only $100? Maybe in my dreams!
But owner Earl Rice clearly specifies that this couch is “used” right there in the post’s title, and sure enough, if you look a little closer, you can make out some subtle wear and tear. And by “wear and tear” I mean “For the love of god, stop reading and call CPS (Couch Protective Services), because WHAT THE FUCK EVEN HAPPENED TO THIS COUCH?”
Let's look at this description, as I have a few questions:
*LEATHER*
[Can we really call this leather at this
point? Though the caps lock is convincing, it looks to be about 60% duct tape and 80% charred remains. On that note, I'm not even sure we can call it a couch without seeing some dental records.] Couch is in comfortable condition [oooookayyy] and has been partially restored by me. [WHICH PARTS, EARL?] I can still fully
restore the couch if you want [Can you?],
but it will have to wait longer as I am quiet busy. [No rush; is a lifetime long enough?] Yes, it has been well used but it is
SUPER COMFORTABLE and I guarantee you will fall in love with it. [Too late Earl, you had me at “well used.”]
A little about me: My name is Earl Rice and I go
by the name Sly Spy. [That's actually a pretty cool nickname.] I've been restoring
furniture for several years and use all sorts of interesting methods [indeed] to restore couches and furniture
so they are more comfortable than the store bought items. [Thank you! This has always been my issue with store bought items; they’re just not
sufficiently destroyed.] I also enjoy modeling and am featured on different people's
Instagram sites. I lived across the bay area, from Lower Haight up to Santa Rosa.
I enjoy wandering and feeling free, touching others, and being touched. [I don’t really get this
online-dating-profile-esque-bit, but hey, the more you know!]
The second of the two photos included is this one:
Which again, I don't totally get why a topless photo of the seller is appropriate to include when listing a couch on Craigslist, but I'm not complaining. That wig is sweet and the eyeshadow reminds me of a photo I saw of my mom in the '80s.
Christmas is less than a week away people, get it while supplies last!
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