You may remember earlier this year when I took it upon myself to answer pressing San Francisco questions that the gaping maw of Google coughed up. Some readers called me a genius, some called me a saint, some called me the wisest journalistic voice of the generation. Actually those were just things that I said to myself in the mirror the other day, but still some of you liked that article. I decided to go back to the ever bountiful font of curiosity that is the internet – this time to Bing – to find more San Francisco questions to answer.
Why is San Francisco so expensive?
The amount of awesome a place contains greatly increases its real estate value. If you want a cheap house, construct one yourself out of twigs, leaves, and the wonder of your own imagination. Or move to Ohio, which is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Why is San Francisco so cold?
Because we're mad at you. You know what you did.
Why is San Francisco foggy?
You know all those times you were on BART and thought, " It's so loud here no one will even know" and you let out a fart? That fart floated up into the atmosphere where it joined the farts of everyone else in the city (a few of mine are there from my first few dates). Once in the sky, the farts join hands and descend to haunt the city that muffled them for millennia. This is also the reason LA is so smoggy.
Why is San Francisco important to California?
Remember the movie She's All That? San Francisco is Freddie Prinze Jr. and the rest of California is Rachel Leigh Cook. Now don't get me wrong, Rachel Leigh Cook is an all right gal; she brings a lot to the table but she needs Freddie to make her really cool and bodacious. San Francisco's main export is awesome and Californians need this city as a place to send all their weird, huddled masses yearning to breathe free. We then take them and teach them how to unlock their cool potential and then release them back into the wild. Also without San Francisco my grandma would never have the cherished memory of seeing a man's penis while walking down the street. That kind of thing is really important for her in her old age.
Why is San Francisco team called the 49's?
We are very proud of our football team the "49s." They score many a home run. We are equally proud of our baseball team "The San Francisco Really Big Guys" who have brought us honor with the winning of the Triwizard tournament.
Why is San Francisco so liberal?
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT? I am so offended! BRB writing a think piece that accurately conveys my outrage!
Why is San Francisco famous?
Uh let's see... award winning burritos, inventor of the martini, ranked among happiest U.S. cities, one time home of Janis Joplin, Stevie Nicks, the Tanner family, and the god damned Princess of Genovia. Need I go on?
Why is San Francisco called The City?
Um, are there even other cities in the world? I've been referring to everywhere else as a speed bump or a rest stop.
[Photo courtesy of Flickr user Joped]