Hi Jessica,
I am dating a great guy who is responsible, attractive, fun and not a man-child. If he says that he is going to do something he always follows through and we have been dating for going on 6 months. The only problem is that I have been anxiously waiting to say "I love you" because I do mean it but I don't think he is ready to hear it; I am also hoping he will say it first. Also, he is not very great in the romance department and I would love it if he could step up his game. How do I encourage him to open up and show me some romance? — Needing Some Love in SF
Your guy sounds awesome but if you don’t know it by now, lemme hit you with some realness: when a man isn’t great in the romance department in the first six months it’s because he isn’t that kind of guy. The beginning is when people try their very hardest to make the best impression. It’s all cookies and crème (if you know what I’m saying, nudge-nudge). It’s when a person is motivated to lay out all the stops. So if he’s not romantic now, it’s probably because that’s just not his way.
You can change a man’s shoes, and you can get him a haircut, but if you have to change how he loves on you in order to be happy with him, he’s not your boo, my dear.
The thing about romance is that it’s a personal style thing, and as much as we live in a Hallmark card world where romance is super formulaic, how we are romantically is part of what makes us individuals. You didn’t give me enough information to know how he treats you, but I get the feeling that it’s sweet but not saccharine. So instead of giving you pointers on how to get him to be more romantic I will say this: you’ve got some choices to make. You can leave him because he’s not giving you enough sugar; it doesn’t seem like a good or necessary move, but it’s an option. You can tell him straightforwardly what you want and ask him if he’s being shy or if he’s just not much on romance. This is my preferred option because it supports you in having a real-deal adult relationship. If he tells you something you don’t want to hear that’d be a bummer, but good information to have. It’s possible that he just needs to know what you like. So tell him! Be upfront about your needs, and a big girl about it if you don’t like his response. You don’t have to stick around if he’s not what you want him to be, but being passive and expecting him to want what you want or intuit your ideas of romance is for sure not working. Which brings me to the last option — you can just accept him for who he is now. He’s a nice, caring, reliable guy who isn’t tres romantique. You can change a man’s shoes, and you can get him a haircut, but if you have to change how he loves on you in order to be happy with him, he’s not your boo, my dear.
And last but certainly not least, to the question of when to say that you’re in love. There’s no formula for this, and it’s always a huge risk — though a highly rewarding one when all goes well. I can only encourage you to trust your instincts; if they say he’s not ready, then don’t push it. And if it takes him too long to be ready you can cross that bridge. When in doubt, I encourage you to have a simple and direct conversation about love. Something to the effect of “So, are you looking to fall in love?” or “How are you about talking about your emotions? I’m really into it!”, and the old standard “I’m falling in love with you” works too. You don’t have to reveal all of your most vulnerable feelings to start the talk, any more than you have to be heavy handed and processy about it. The most important thing is to avoid playing games, NSLISF, ‘cause if that’s what you’ve gotta do to keep him, he’s probably not worth having.
XO
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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