Last night marked the premiere of the oldest reality show we can’t believe still exists, The Real World: Ex-plosion. This time the series is trying to recapture lightning in a bottle by returning to San Francisco for the first time since 1994, but it’s immediately obvious that none of the original cultural sensitivity that made the show a landmark remains. In its place we get blurred crotch shots, gratuitous drinking, and apparently the cast’s exes (who will be brought in halfway through the season).
Here’s what you need to know as a (Clipper) card-carrying member of the city:
As much as you’ll hate to admit it, the roommates are true to form when it comes to caricatures of SF transplants. Here we have a couple of pretty faces from LA (by way of the Midwest); an out of place East Coaster; a chilled out lesbian from Oakland; a nosy, tatted up bartender; and one “bitchy resting always face” woman loudly and repeatedly proclaiming herself a native.
Seriously, you’re going to hate Ashley. As the only SF resident on the show, she is both an affront to and a perfect representation of the “Three Year Local,” screaming at her contractually obligated co-stars to “get the f-ck out mah city,” and then calling her MeMaw and PawPaw in West Virginia. During that call, she receives some of the best advice I’ve ever heard: “Don’t let nobody be mean to you. Be like PawPaw. When I went in the army, they talk mean to you, but PawPaw hung right in there.”
Don’t watch this with a critical eye. I know there's the temptation to lambast a bunch of attractive idiots making a mockery of your home, but seek comfort in the beautiful B-roll, which is literally the ONLY indicator so far that these people are anywhere near San Francisco. That, and Ashley stumbling around Polk St. drunk.
You’re going to love Arielle, the Oakland lesbian with a sweet ‘fro who walks into a house full of white girls with an awkward “What it dooooo?”, turns down the cutest guy in the house, and is later splashed with burger grease by none other than – drunk Ashley.
Prepare to spend the next 11 episodes screaming at Cory in frustration. After the hunky personal trainer’s family is insulted (by, you guessed it, Ashley), he accepts a sarcastic apology and then sets his trajectory on a direct path to stick his D in crazy. (It ends up in Jenny).
Jenny; fake boobs, fake smile, overly-desperate struggling actress from LA who breaks up with her “ex” by the end of day two, then swoops in on Cory after his hookup with Ashley.
Oh yeah, and Ashley threatens to leave the show and take the entire SF club scene with her. On the first night.
Seriously, I know this is a TV show about hooking up, but I’ve seen porn stars look less thirsty. Please ladies, do the real world a favor and keep the drool in your mouths. But yes, Thomas is God’s gift to soaked panties, watch him pull off a hook up with Jamie; this guy knows his stuff.
Doug wins this episode’s award for Most Realest. Jenny brings him home (for no apparent reason), then pawns him off on Ashley so she can hook up with Cory. This dude is what a real awkward SF tech guy looks like.
Stay tuned weekly for more on The Real World: Ex-Plosion, on MTV at 10PM ET/PT