San Francisco cannot be categorized as a car or non-car city in the clear-cut ways that NY and LA are. It’s more of an “it can be nice to have a car sometimes, but you can totally survive without one” city. In fact, it’s usually easier and more pleasant not to have one, for all the pains that come with owning and driving cars here. Not to mention that many people in SF would have to choose between paying rent and owning a vehicle. (Have you heard that the rent is high in San Francisco?)
I’m fortunate to own a car (and live across the bay where parking is plentiful), which I know is a nice privilege. Those of you who don’t have cars may find relief in knowing you have friends like me. It’s great to be able to catch a ride and be driven to and fro across town. And it’s okay to mooch rides as long as you regularly offer gas money, right?
Er, not quite. The offer of gas money shows positive intent, but the money doesn’t automatically justify a ride at anytime. I’m not a total monster – I will and often provide rides to my car-less friends. But, what gets me – and I’m sure your other friends with cars agree – is when people just assume that because I own a car, I’m always down to drive. I realize this assumption-making and boundary crossing is most likely unintentional. But just to be totally clear, I’ve made a list of some general etiquette tips for those of you without cars to keep in mind when you ask someone for a ride.
Don’t ask for a ride at the very end of the night.
I find it irksome when at the end of a night out, I get up to leave and an acquaintance suddenly decides to ask, “Oh, can I get a ride?” That puts me on the spot and makes me look like the asshole if I say no. I may have been attempting the Irish exit, but you coming with me may blow my cover. Besides, you may think I’m headed home, but you don’t know if I’m going to stop at the Wendy’s drive-in for some emotional eating or if I’m heading over to see my friend with benefits, who I never told anyone about.
Public transportation, cabs, and ride shares are options too.
There are plenty of great restaurants and meeting places within walking distance of a BART station, and there are even more that are located in places not in immediate access to a station – I would like to meet at those once in a while. I would hope that on occasion, my car-free friends would consider taking BARTand Muni to meet me (oh the horror!), or paying for a cab or Uber, because I don’t always want to get dinner at the food court in the Westfield mall.
Don’t assume I want to be carpool buddies.
Even if you live on my street – heck, even if you live in my building – giving you a ride may not always be something I want to do. Same for if we work together. Once in a while is fine to ask for a ride, but please don’t assume that I can always give you a ride.
Don’t assume we’re going to have a deep conversation in the car.
When we do ride together, I hope you’re not offended if we sit in silence sometimes. We can enjoy each other’s presence without small talk. Let’s appreciate the time we don’t have to talk about work. Even better, let’s listen to a podcast together. That will fill the car with conversation even if it’s not generated by us.
Don’t fiddle with the stereo without asking.
Sure, you may not be into the obscure history trivia podcast I’m listening to, but please don’t switch the station or track as if it’s solely your choice. Why not ask? I’m probably amenable to listening to something else, but the simple act of asking and not just taking control of the stereo goes a long way.
Don’t criticize my car or my driving.
If you know me even a little bit, you probably know that I am not spending all my time in auto body shops or submitting insurance claims. I have always managed to get to where I need to go safely, so let past experience assure you that we will be fine. I change lanes more than you do, signal earlier, drive slower, etc. – it’s not something I’m going to be open to feedback about, so why try? Same for my car. If it works fine for me getting to where I need to go, it surely will work for you too. Criticizing my car is pretty pointless; if I could get a luxury car, I would already have one.
Don’t make me feel like you’re Miss Daisy.
Get in the front seat with me when it’s open. I don’t like feeling like a chauffeur.
Don’t assume you can borrow my car.
This is a huge ask with a lot of consequences. A car becomes almost a physical extension of us; someone else driving makes me uncomfortable. Better to wait for me to offer this option if I can’t give you a ride.
Don’t assume I’ll be designated driver.
Have you been the only sober person around a bunch of people who have been drinking? It’s pretty darn tedious. Which is why I don’t always want to be the designated driver. Sure, it makes sense since I have the car, but I may want to partake in the libations. Even if I am not a drinker, I would like the relief from being a babysitter to my grown adult friends at least for some of the time.
If we plan an out-of-the-city trip, help with gas or offer to drive.
Please don’t assume that we will use my car. The wear and tear of a long trip on a car is something I may not want to risk for the trip. Perhaps offer to rent a car for the trip and split the driving. Believe me, being equal partners for the responsibility of a car will make for less tension on the trip.
Be completely honest.
Even though I ask my car-less friends to avoid assumptions when asking me for a ride, I would also want them to be honest about what is going on. If you’re in a bind and need to get somewhere, just explain that to me. If you need to make a Costco run, tell me that and see if I am going soon. If you just don’t feel like walking, I get it. I really do. Let’s talk about it early and openly and I am sure that we can find a compromise that works for us.
Friends, I love you dearly. Let’s not let our differences in car ownership come between what we have.