By Jules Suzdaltsev
One of San Francisco’s most elusive mysteries has been on my mind as of late. With rent prices skyrocketing, employment figures dipping, and competition increasing, how can so many people be so relaxed, lounging out and about in parks and cafes, leisurely wandering the streets with seemingly nothing to do all day? Where do these people get the money? Did they all sugar their way into rent-controlled relationships? Are they visiting from Oakland? Are they Swedish tourists? No, but here’s a list of what those milling-about people are really doing all day.
They’re telecommuting through an app for an app start-up that makes an app to run your app start-up from your phone.
They’re hula-hooping, juggling sticks of fire, and interpretive-dancing in Dolores Park to raise money for struggling local performance-art troupes and the associated medical cost of skin grafts from the fire juggling.
They’re building a “ganja treat” empire in Dolores Park, seeking to corner the market on relaxed-looking hipsters and gays, who are themselves seeking out other hipsters and gays.
They’re BRFs walking with two leashes and one stroller – dog, toddler, and cat, respectively.
They’re sourcing locally milled, organic, vegan, cruelty-free shampoos at the neighborhood mom ’n’ pop alternative-wellness collective (’n’ dispensary).
They’re frantically following a treasure map by their fiancée for a hunt that takes 16 hours and ends with a foil bird containing a $300 titanium ring, hidden among the Camembert at the cheese counter in Whole Foods.
They’re around a hardware store, phone in hand, arguing with their landlord about who is legally responsible for weather-stripping the bay windows.
They’re hung over on the 14L, headed to the Mission to buy weed at 7:15 a.m., trying to discern without shifting if their seat is wet or just cold.
They’re shouting into a megaphone at the 16th Street BART station in Spanish about the redemptive nature of Jesus Christ and lower auto-insurance rates for seniors.
They’re scouting corgi butts for their celebrated Tumblr of corgi butts.