Photo by Serge Melki
1. The Be a Better Person Resolution
Sounds like: I'm going to forgive everyone who has ever wronged me and apologize for everything I've ever done wrong 'cause I'm better than you.
Actually looks like: You forgive most people who have wronged you but can't let go of what that one bitch did in high school.
Likelihood of success: 30% cause if it were so goddamn easy, you would have already done this.
2. The Eat Healthy Resolution
Sounds like: I'm giving up smoking, meat, eggs, cheese, gluten, carbs, and anything that casts a shadow.
Actually looks like: You cutting out your second dinner.
Likelihood of Success: 12% and this is a generous estimate.
3. The Work Out Resolution
Sounds like: I'm going to go to the gym every day.
Actually looks like: You go to the gym every day in January and then gain a bunch of weight in February.
Likelihood of Success: 45% 'cause as bitter as I sound, I'm rooting for some of you.
4. The I'm Not Taking My Resolution Seriously Resolution
Sounds like: I'll try in 2014 or I will not get pregnant this year.
Actually looks like: The same thing you did in 2013.
Likelihood of Success: 100% BUT the results are meaningless.
5. The Wanderlust Resolution
Sounds like: I'm going to travel to at least 10 foreign countries this year.
Actually looks like: You'll watch Eat Pray Love on Netflix and call it day.
Likelihood of success: 3% but you will refuse to remove "wanderlust" from your Twitter bio.