Photo by Amodiovalerio Verde
1. Yell out "I'M STILL GREAT!"
Because you are. You. Are.
2. Start rambling off statistics about Mono
It is called the kissing disease. Lead with the fact that the mononucleosis is spread from infected saliva, but don't worry, symptoms usually don't last more than four months.
3. Cut off the music
Causing everyone (no matter their age) to wonder if the cops have suddenly joined the party. This move is not sensual.
4. Turn on the music.
Specifically, "Everybody Dance Now" by C & C Music Factory. This move is also not sensual, but it is fun.
5. Go to the bathroom around 11 p.m. and paint your face
THEN come out at midnight as everyone's New Year's Kiss. Get it? Like the band? Screw you, that's adorable.
6. Start chanting "USA, USA, USA!"
You have to correctly read the blood alcohol level of the room, but when this works, it's a beautiful thing.
7. Lie down and cry
'Cause sometimes drinking and change and uncomfortable shoes make us want to do this and that's ok.
8. Go around stealing people's wallets
This is as clever as it is uncool. But really, why should you have to be in the same room with people expressing their love for life and each other by participating in synchronized kissing (with their eyes closed!) without getting a little something for your trouble.
9. Fart
I'm usually not a big fan of fart joking, but if you could nail the timing on this, you would be a fart legend. Sure you still need to decide if that's something you want to be, but the opportunity is there.