There are few things in San Francisco as proprietary (and delicious) as our burritos. Those of us who have lived elsewhere and suffered through pathetic excuses for “Mission-style burritos” certainly understand the important place they hold in Bay Area hearts and stomachs. But San Francisco burritos can tell us a lot about ourselves – what you order inside your torpedo-shaped gut bomb can represent your personality. Using my expertise in completely made-up burrito psychology and my love of all things edible (especially meaty things), I have compiled a 100% accurate guide to what your burrito order says about you.
Al Pastor: Indulgence is your middle name. You like the finer things in life and are a person of leisure. You relish in the occasional bubble bath with candles, and you enjoy luxurious company. You fancy.
Carnitas: You like to take your time and keep it real. You are very thoughtful in everything that you do and do not like being rushed. You are a master of patience, as you find it is always rewarded.
Carne Asada: You have great respect for classic and time-honored ideas. Some might call you conventional, but you appreciate what others might take for granted. You do not need to be the center of attention and are very well liked.
Pollo: You are a simple person who likes simple things. You play it safe and have found great success in being completely average. You unabashedly keep risks and exposure to a minimum, and you are OK with that.
Tripe: You have no fear and have an unreasonable/somewhat problematic trust in others. You frequently make others uncomfortable. Your friends often describe you as weird.
Shrimp: You are quirky, funky, and eccentric. You have a wild streak and a love for the exotic. You take risks, thrive on uncertainty, and do things your way. You also like seafood.
Veggies: You are boring.
Tofu: You constantly seek conduits to the natural world. You practice calculated restraint in all that you do and often deprive yourself of pleasure.
Black Beans: You are motivated, fit, and full of energy. You love a brisk morning run before work, take the stairs whenever possible, and look forward to wearing spandex. You always bet on black.
Pinto Beans: You have an appreciation for the classic and the traditional. You are a level headed, rational human being who acknowledges the importance of history and old people. You know not to fuck with a good thing. You always bet on brown.
Rice: You have an insatiable appetite for life and like to cram as many things into your day (mouth) as possible. Quantity-over-quality is key to your personality. You believe in “the more, the merrier,” and have time for everything, no matter what it tastes like.
No Rice: You are a straightforward, no-frills kind of person who does not see the importance of extraneous information. You like to cut to the chase, stay focused, and stay on task. You cannot be bothered with superfluous chatter, and you hate distractions. And rice.
Lettuce: You are a yes man/yes woman, a people pleaser, and sometimes a pushover. You like to be positive, and it is hard for you to say no. You can be passive and overly obliging when it comes to sticking up for yourself and getting what you really want out of life.
No Lettuce: You are an intelligent and perceptive person. You understand how things fit together in this universe and are respectful of boundaries. You are also particular and specific about your needs, which tend to echo the sentiments of others.
Flavored Tortilla: You are open minded, curious, and attracted to all things experimental. You are easily entertained and are not preoccupied with being accepted.
Grilled Tortilla: You are a Luddite who respects rudimentary tools and thought. You appreciate basic and fundamental ideas. You are wary of technology, and you fear what you don’t understand.
Steamed Tortilla: You are enamored with ingenuity and invention. You appreciate advancements in technology despite traditional or cultural norms. You look forward to all things futuristic and innovative, and you are partial to gummy candy. You also like steam cleaning, steam trains, and steampunk.
California Burrito: You’re competitive and struggle with fitting in. You also may have trouble fitting in your clothing. You do not mind being ridiculed or having high cholesterol.
Make It Super: You want more out of life. You’re passionate, enthusiastic, and sometimes overzealous. You tend to go above and beyond and oftentimes over the top. Although you are known to overindulge, who can really blame you because that shit is delicious.