By Mustafa Khan
For those who chronically hop around SF, ride-hailing apps are a blessing. But for a city overflowing with imagination (think crazy start-ups, wild street festivals, and Batkid), SF deserves more than a service that gets people from point A to point B.
Lyft’s community of ordinary drivers are touted to be “your friends with a car,” but what if they could be the greatest entourage you ever rolled with? And so I propose that these drivers be hired immediately:
The Freudian Lyft
This driver will not only listen to your problems for the 10-minute ride but also will restore order in your universe and identify the traumatizing childhood experience that formed the person you are today. Plus, the passenger seat will be completely reclined for the full psychiatrist experience.
Job Qualifications: masters degree optional, Dr. Phil-watching mandatory
The Wingman
This driver will supply everything you need for a successful first date – breath mints, condoms, and an index card with conversation topics and notes on the latest internet meme. Plus, he or she will stick around for 15 minutes and call you in case the date is a dud and you need rescuing.
Job Qualifications: must be charismatic and sweet but mildly unattractive so that the passenger doesn’t ditch their date for the driver.
The Cofounder
This driver embraces the “everyone in SF has a start-up” mentality and helps you come up with your next billion-dollar idea within the span of a car ride. And if your start-up takes off, all he or she asks is that someone sexy plays them in the full-length film adaptation.
Job Qualifications: must be good at hyping up the most moronic of ideas
The Crash Pad
Endlessly searching for an affordable apartment? For the low price of $1,500 a month, this driver will graciously sublet part of his or her car to you (choose from the backseat, trunk, or glove compartment).
Job Qualification: got no junk in the trunk
The Job Interviewer
If you’re going to an interview, there’s no better way to prepare than having your driver grill your ass on why you want the job. Plus, when he or she asks “What’s your biggest weakness?” they won’t take a lame answer like “I sometimes work too hard.”
Job Qualifications: able to wear a stern grimace and hold a mug while driving
The Costume Box
This driver will outfit you for whatever San Francisco dilemma you’re in, whether you’re pretending to be a Giants fan, you need a costume for a theme party, or your three layers are failing against whatever microclimate you’re tangled in. Plus, this driver will personally clothe every naked guy at Bay to Breakers.
Job Qualification: considers every day Halloween inside their head
There you have it. People at Lyft headquarters, help SF by hiring these drivers now!