San Francisco’s housing crunch has turned most of the city into a series of adult dorm rooms. We live in multistory apartment buildings full of crazy characters, offensive odors, and weird noises, and we learn how to adapt to the characters because we can’t afford to move out from our “private” domiciles. Couple this with the city’s penchant for attracting so many eccentrics and you get a fun little collection of neighbors who make you want to buy a sensory deprivation tank in order to save your sanity. Here are the top 10 neighbors you’re sure to run into while questioning if any level of rent control is worth not living in the burbs. Feel free to add to the list with descriptions from your own buildings.
The Hannity & Colmes
This couple’s nightly routine includes a three-to-nine-hour earsplitting argument about every single aspect of their relationship, and comes complete with comparisons to bad parents, repetitive questions, and so much slamming that you want to find out who makes such durable doors.
The Chaos Theorist
This person doesn’t seem to have a circadian rhythm, a watch, or a job. From singing in the shower at 3 a.m. to throwing a massive rager at 2 p.m. on a Thursday, their Fitbit activity graphs probably look like a seismic reading, as they have no discernible life schedule whatsoever. Yet they do have plenty of time to organize more parties than an actual nightclub promoter.
The Shipping Magnate
You can’t figure out if this person works for Amazon or hates physical storefronts, but one thing is for certain: Nearly every single package that shows up in your building’s foyer is addressed to them, and those deliveries sometimes arrive three times a day. If it weren’t for free shipping, you’d be sure they were the only reason USPS hasn’t filed for bankruptcy yet. Or maybe you live with Morello from Orange Is the New Black.
The Zookeeper
You’re positive your building restricts the number of animals allowed in one apartment, but apparently there’s some diplomatic immunity that lets this person keep a shit-ton of dogs, cats, birds, and… are those pygmy hippos in stilettos I hear? Who the hell knows what else? Besides the cacophony of animal noises and the ever-present danger of swine-bird-hippo-flu, the most annoying thing by far is a daily, high-pitched “Here, kittykittykittykittykitty” every single fucking night. Kill me.
The Carpenter
Having a hobby is paramount, but when that hobby includes hammering, sawing, drilling, the constant smell of wet paint, the sound of heavy wood dragged from room to room, and the occasional loud injury, your night prayers begin to include the quick and painful death of Mr. Handy upstairs.
The Stud
You wonder if this person allocates a part of their monthly budget for new mattresses, because even NASA technology cannot take that much nonstop banging. You’re genuinely concerned for their hydration needs, as even elite athletes need to take water breaks. The rhythmic bedspring noise would almost be meditative if not punctuated by the sounds of either a murder or an orgasm; at this point you can’t tell the difference. You reconsider your own sexual frequency before shoving earplugs on your ears.
The Airbnb-ers
The parade of total strangers wielding a set of front door keys is enough to make you buy a new lock for your door and wheel your grill from the patio to your living room. When making small talk, you notice they’re uneasy to admit how and why they’re coming in and out of 3B, and they’ll turn down any friendly building event invitations because they’ll be “long gone” by next Thursday. After a while you wonder how much profit your neighbor is making on his rent-controlled studio – and wonder how long you could follow his lead without the landlord catching on.
The Chef
You can only assume they cook soup in open 55-gallon barrels around the clock, because you can taste the herring within 15 feet of the building. It’s now embedded in the brick. Although the menu seems to change nightly, the stench is always strong and offensive. You wonder if this is how Eastern Europeans temper their mettle.
The Exhibitionist
You’re starting to think this person doesn’t have a door or is too embarrassed to get a new one. That’s weird because they don’t seem to be embarrassed about watching Maury in their underwear at 3 p.m. in full view of anyone trying to enter or leave the building. Everything wafts out of this place: sounds, smells, and grotesque images. You can tell they’re not afraid of being robbed because they own literally nothing of value.
The You
You are quiet and considerate. Why can’t everyone be like you?