I love to hear about people getting married. When two people become one, it’s a beautiful thing; a breath of fresh air to cynics like me who have grown exceedingly annoyed with the typical noncommittal dating scene we’ve got going on these days. And since wedding season is now in full swing, when I see an engagement on Facebook or receive a Save the Date notice in the mail, it’s a happy reminder that a forever kind of love can still exist in this world. But that happy, warm, fuzzy feeling gracefully waltzes out the door once I get that first email.
“Hey girl! So excited you’re coming to the wedding! Let me beat
around the bush here for a few minutes to butter you up nice and good before I
get into my long list of unreasonable demands for you! I’m so happy you’re
going to mindlessly go along with this long list of expensive bullshit because
it’s MY DAY remember. OK great! Send me your address and you may as well
include your routing number with it, cuz imma wipe you out!”
And so it begins.
I’m not sure when it happened, but being out-of-control selfish
and demanding is totally acceptable when it’s “your big day.” And because of
this, everything in between the breathtaking “Will you marry me?” and the sugar
filled “I do’s” is one expensive pain in the ass for friends of the happy
couple.
Here’s the thing: I was the bride once, and there was all
kinds of crazy shit I had to deal with, so I can see both sides of the coin.
But here is what everyone should do, but no one ever seems to: GIVE EACH OTHER
A FUCKING BREAK.
That super adorbs bed and breakfast you want us to stay at? With more than 150 miles between it and the nearest major airport? Please consider that means we’re now adding a rental car to the bill.
We all understand that you only get married once (unless you are a Kardashian) and you are spending a hefty chunk of change to throw a free party for us to enjoy, but since wedding season is now upon us, this is a plea to any and all future couples getting married to pump the brakes on the egregious asks and be mindful of a few things.
1. Traveling is hella expensive.
Thanks to the high cost of living here, travel expenses for
weddings wipe any additional funds your SF buddies have managed to save. Since
the majority of our paychecks are now allocated for weddings, we silently weep at
the Bergerac counter when we realize we can’t even afford one of the cheaper
happy hour drinks.
We are often saddled with not one, but multiple withdrawals from our bank accounts for travel – because it’s not just the wedding we have to fly out for. We would be considered terrible friends if we didn’t make it to at least one of your bridal showers or bachelor/bachelorette parties.
I know destination weddings sound so dreamy, but St. Lucia for a whole week? We have to use all of our savings AND PTO?!
And that super adorbs bed and breakfast you want us to stay at? With more than 150 miles between it and the nearest major airport? Please consider that means we’re now adding a rental car to the bill.
Also, I know destination weddings sound so dreamy, but St. Lucia for a whole week? We have to use all of our savings AND PTO?! The idea of being forced to go on a weeklong vacation to paradise is a great idea in theory – after all, SF is rampant with workaholics. However, your overworked and underpaid friends prefer vacations where we can actually relax, not follow lengthy agendas and have 35 hours of air travel time in coach. So if you’re going to go with this option, please give us some actual time to relax at some point, and be lenient with your marching orders.
2. The number of pre-wedding gift-giving events can get ridiculous.
When it comes to gifts, I’m really good. I put a lot of thought into presents and nothing makes me happier than to see a friend’s face light up when they get something that is so perfect and unique to them. But when it comes to the hundreds of gift-giving events that lead up to your wedding day, it just doesn’t feel personal anymore. And it’s not just your wedding gift, but we have to get you the Engagement Party gift, the Bridal Shower gift, then the Stock the Bar Party gift, the second Bridal Shower gift, the Lingerie Shower gift, the Handyman Tool Shower gift (whoever made up this event is just a masochistic asshole), and we’re lucky if the list stops there.
It’s not just your wedding gift, but we have to get you the Engagement Party gift, the Bridal Shower gift, then the Stock the Bar Party gift, the second Bridal Shower gift, the Lingerie Shower gift, the Handyman Tool Shower gift, and we’re lucky if the list stops there.
Your friends are no longer giving presents out of joy at this point. Instead, it becomes a list we have to check off, and again, we’re spending more money than feels reasonable. Even if your wedding has an open bar with top shelf everything, the money you’d be saving guests wouldn’t cover even a quarter of all these costs racking up.
How can you alleviate this? Give your friends guidelines they can feel comfortable with. For example, tell us you’d love our attendance at one specific event. Or if your friends are flying in, let them know that their gift really is just their presence on your big day. I personally would rather have a dance off with my best friends at the wedding than see them drowning themselves in shots to keep them from thinking about how maxed out their credit cards are.
3. Avoid required attire that needs expensive customizations.
While your besties are so happy to stand beside you and support your beautiful future with your spouse, it hurts when that means tacking on another couple hundred bucks in expenses for our bridesmaid dress or tuxedo.
Wanna save a ton of money and hassle for your BFFs? Be a kind soul and just give us some general guidelines for what we should purchase or wear.
Consider this true story from a wedding where I was a bridesmaid: A friend of mine wanted the top of one bridesmaid dress, but the length of another. She didn’t request this alteration because she wanted to torture her wedding party, but that is what ended up happening.
Are you really set on that designer getup for your wedding party? Consider this true story from a wedding where I was a bridesmaid: A friend of mine wanted the top of one bridesmaid dress, but the length of another. She didn’t request this alteration because she wanted to torture her wedding party, but that is what ended up happening. So what did we have to do? Special order a floor length gown and then have it altered. But I had a panic attack when the dress arrived three sizes too small because we could only order the damn thing via phone with NO exchanges and NO refunds. Then began the endless alterations. Alteration number 1: Let out the dress to get it to actually fit. Alteration 2: Shorten the dress to knee length. Alteration 3: Because the dress was made to be floor length, the skirt floofed out like a frickin kindergartner’s tutu once it was cut, so I had to make further adjustments.
After all of those fixes, I was out $300. If you’re hoping for
that one group shot of your perfectly matching and fake smiling bridesmaids and
groomsmen, really think through if these outfits are worth what you’re asking
us to do to get into them.
4. There’s a price for not being able to bring a date.
We know you’re thinking “Bringing a date doesn’t cost you any money! It costs US money!” I get it. Paying for the wedding of your dreams is expensive and each additional guest takes a toll on your wedding budget when you are paying per plate for food. When I got married, I remember secretly rejoicing for every “not attending” RSVP that came in. However, I know that being single at an event that reminds you how far you are from that happy ending still costs your friends – not in cash, but in how much they’re dying a little inside.
Bottom line here on all of this: Your sometimes unrealistic expectations push the limits of what your friends feel like they can spend or feel pressured to spend.
None of your single friends want to endure multiple awkward conversations with your grandma patting them on the head and saying, “Your perfect man will show up when you stop lookin’!” If you’d just let us bring that random bartender we met last night, we’d be hooking up in the bathroom instead of feeling sorry for ourselves with Grammy. For the love of God let us bring a distraction.
Bottom line here on all of this: Your sometimes unrealistic
expectations push the limits of what your friends feel like they can spend or
feel pressured to spend. Yes, in the end it is YOUR big day. I had my day
already, and I’m sure flights to Texas weren’t cheap for my California buddies.
However, try and make it the norm – not the exception – for your friends to voice
their feelings about any of the hoops you’ve asked them to jump through. And don’t
require them to kiss your ass while they do this. That way we can all take a deep
breath and focus on the beautiful marriage of two wonderful people … and possibly
return that banana unpeeler we bought you from your registry. We know you’re
never gonna use it anyway.