After the dust settled from the boutique coffee bonanza of the past few years, I found myself looking for the next adventure in caffeinated bean water. Between my single-origin, locally roasted, hand-ground (seriously I broke a sweat cranking that thing) beans and my selection of artisanal brewing methods, there seemed to be so little "new stuff" to do with my favorite beverage, and I was itching for a fresh twist.
At about this same time a little diet craze called "Paleo" was sweeping across my Facebook feed, and I imagine, real life too. I didn't, and still don't, understand Paleo but with it came the popularity of what may only be called the fattiest coffee you will ever love or scoff at. Dubbed Bulletproof® Coffee by its creator, Dave Asprey, this frothy beverage is an adaptation of some yak butter tea he sampled while frolicking around the mountains of Tibet. His variation consisted of grass-fed butter, coconut oil, gourmet coffee, and a quick spin in a blender. Asprey claims his brew helps with alertness and burning fat.
While this discovery/invention did intrigue me, I was mostly inspired to create other "-proof" innovations. Inventing my own coffee trend didn't have to be as hard as climbing an 18,000-ft. mountain in Tibet. After just one afternoon of research and development I was able to bring to life not one, but FOUR new artisanal brews.
80 Proof Coffee
Recipe:
Brew 2 cups of locally-roasted coffee (pour-over preferred)
Add 4 ounces of small-batch handmade local whiskey
Stir with a wooden spoon
This isn't your grandpa's Irish coffee. While the ingredients are similar, this formula is updated for the urban "craftsperson" on the go. A perfect pairing for your morning beard combing or something to sip while you hot soak your new raw denim.
Baby-proof Coffee
Recipe:
Brew 1 cup of locally-roasted espresso coffee (aeropress preferred)
Line mug with one female condom
Grind up 2 days of birth control pills and add to lined mug
Slowly pour coffee into lined mug, ensuring birth control dissolves into coffee
Sweeten with organic sugar or agave
You can never be too safe, and this cup o' joe will make sure your oven stays bun free. While both men and women can enjoy this masterpiece, men should be advised that extended consumption will lead to larger breasts and smaller testicles.
Spill-proof coffee
Recipe:
Brew 2 cups of locally roasted coffee
Mix in gelatin (hand-extracted from foraged bone or antlers preferred)
One of the most overlooked problems in coffee is spillage. From giving Granny a mean pelvic burn to staining your favorite light jacket, this is no laughing matter. Now, you can sprint after the bus with abandon!
Induction Proof Coffee
Recipe:
If (n + grinder) + (heat * artisanal water) = locally roasted coffee
Let n = locally roasted coffee + 1
Therefore locally roasted coffee for nerds
Though like any innovation involving math, we may never see the actual substantial benefits of this recipe or even understand it, there is a nice gentleman in a jacket with corduroy-patched elbows who will talk at length about the importance of this coffee in theory. Maybe after he finishes his graduate degree he can help us understand by working as a barista.